Jokes: Sports

Three men were chatting in the pub. The topic was on sports. The China Man from Taiwan said: "I have four daughters, one more I can form a basketball team." The rich tycoon from Indonesia said: "I have five sons, one more I can have a volleyball team." The third wealthy man from the Middle East has no children. After some hesitation, he said: "I have 17 wives, one more I can have a golf course."

Our politician

Read what this brainless monkey has got to say, link:

The Malaysian Communications and Multimedia Commission (MCMC) can act against Internet news portal Malaysiakini for uploading an e-mail supposedly linked to Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak’s election manifesto for the Umno polls.

“It was clearly done with the intention of tarnishing the image of a national leader. The action is very much regretted,” Shabery said.

If you do not already know the story its like this. Malaysiakini has published a report that Najib has a manifesto for the UMNO election in March. Upon realising its mistake, Malaysiakini has apologised and retracted the report. The reporter who reported it too has apoligised and even resigned from her position. She has paid for her mistake. But then, these monkeys still want to take action against them.

But but but....what about the report in Utusan Malaysia? They had published a false report that an MP in a petition to get mosques to lower the sound of the azan. Not only has the report tarnished the image of the MP, it might also cause a rife between the Muslim and the non-Muslim in Malaysia. In another sense, this report is seditious in nature. So far Utusan has refused to apologised or retract their report. They even published an article that called for murder of such politicians to show their arrogance. And what have those monkeys done? Nothing. Absof**kinglutely nothing!

What kind of double standard are these monkey practising? In short you can report whatever you want in the media, however seditious or untrue it is, as long as it does not involve UMNO's man. Why can't these monkey stop for a few seconds before shooting shits out of their stinking mouth? Why can't they use their cowsense?

MCA's PCSD abused

I don't know about others but personally i feel that the MCA's Public Services and Complaints Department is being abused by the public. Maybe they themselves doesn't feel that they are being abused. After any publicity is good publicity. Just go read the latest case here.

I think that the department should focuses on doing something more meaningful. Go help those students who needs financial assistance, squatters who got relocated to some far far away places, etc. Helping those who never grows up and remaining naive is a waste of time and resources.

Striping oneself naked for the pleasure of a stranger and getting in trouble for that is not something that MCA can help you with. Just go to the police, in this case maybe the singapore police as well. Going to the MCA will only expose you to the public. If you are still underage then i understand your naivety, but at 25? I don't think i can understand.

And if u have the guts to borrow money from the loan sharks then you must also have the guts to face their hostility when you cannot pay up. Dont tell me you did not know that their interest rates are sky high. If their rates are not high, no one will take a loan from the banks. You caused the problem, you find a way to solve. Dont get your family or other people into trouble. And don't expect that somehow someone will be there to help you settle your debt. Running to Michael Chong will not make the debt disappear. Those who borrow u the money will want their money back just like bank do.

Btw, I heard that Michael Chong is not a saint after all. People who has gone to him for help has to pay him fees up front. I wonder how true it is.

Food Safety

Many people has voiced their concerns about the issue of food safety that has exploded recently due to the melamine scandal in China that has rocked its food industry, specifically its milk industry. So what is melamine?

Melamine which is mainly used to in productions of plastics and cleaning products, has been added into diluted milk to fool protein content tests. Melamine is harmless in low doses but when consumed in large amounts, it can lead to formations of kidney stones which in turns can be fatal.

This is not the first time that China has been hit by food safety incidents and you can bet that it will not be the last. Most of these incidents are caused by greedy, unethical food producers. But then, with increasing demands for food and at a lower prices do you think that it is surprising that issues like this inevitable?

Is the world going to stop importing food products from China from now on? Historically speaking, I do not think so. After the issue has died down, importers will again start to import in huge volumes until the next incident crops up. And these cycles will be repeating many times over until China has eradicate their corruption in their country and increase control on food productions. Or until their production cost became uncompetitive where the world will start to look for food from other countries.

So what can we do about it? I would say that the best way is to grow our own food. Stir-fried spinach fertilized by our own urine with steamed free range chicken makes a good and healthy meal!

PDRM - Pengecut Diraja Malaysia

Our police has done it again. They have now earn themselves another nickname, "Pengecut Diraja Malaysia". They are now officially the Royal beggars and chickens in malaysia. *Link*

Our capital city has been taken over by the evil forces. From now onwards be careful...be very very careful when u step into the city center. If you have the money, hire some ex-vietnamese guerilla fighters with you (normal bodyguard will not be adequate when even policemen with guns do not feel safe enough). You never know when you might get rob or rape or even killed by the mobsters running the city. If you are thinking about going in the city alone at nite, forget about it. Its not worth the risking your life no matter whatever business you have to do.

Maybe i'm exaggerated a bit here but if Syed Hamid feels that the best way to avert the danger is by transfering the policeman away rather than to face them and eliminate these dangers, it will not be long before we start importing guerilla fighters.


p.s. Do not simply say anything that will provoke UMNO now. The new CJ is their man. Fantastic isn't it?

Exit

Finally! Its the news every Malaysian has been waiting for. Our very own sleeping beauty (sleeping old fart fits him more but lets be nice just for last time) has woke up and realised that he is no longer wanted or needed.

For a man who has been striked by alzeimer's (he never seems to remember what he said or promises), he has overstayed his welcome far too long. Lets just hope for once that he remembers what he has said yesterday for all hell may break lose if he decided to contest in the election after all in March next year. 

Btw, ever wonder whats going to happen to his family members after he is out? Has he negotiated with his successor for some perks for his family to stay in business after his retirement? Hmmp.....

PDRM - Pengemis Diraja Malaysia

An office was burglarized. So the company sent their people to a police station to make a police report. This is a very normal procedure, it is the least that any company will do when such thing happens. However what happen next is definitely not what anyone would expect to happen.

At the police station, one of them told the policemen that they wanted to report on a burglary at their office. Can you guess what the policemen ask them instead? Those fat lazy ass ask them why do they want to make a report of it. "Buat apa you mau report?"

Can you believe this shit? There is more to it. After the report was made, those fat lazy ass went to the company to have a look. They are suppose to survey the loses and look for any clue which can help solve the case. But NO! Those people walk into the office, saw a pile nice A4 paper and dare to ask the employee if they can take some of it.

As if they are not satisfied with their reputation as corrupted bastards, they now want to make themselves look like a begger, pengemis! Tak tahu malu punya orang!

Our Government Department

Lose your IC and you'll lose your citizenship? link

How ridiculous! How can such thing ever happen? Those lazy fat ass who sits around and busy chit chatting rather than doing a job that they are paid to do should be sent to prison! Maybe...maybe only then can we eliminate such absurd act that has crippled our government department. If it still doesn't work, then we can consider using gun and bullets

swap

*Grandpa was happily playing 'catching' with grandson in the big big house.*

Grandpa: You better run fast, when atuk catch you atuk going to 'kucit-kucit' u.....heheehehee....

Grandson: Oh no.....*sprint away*

Grandpa: Gotcha! kakakaaka......kucit-kucit-kucit-kucit-kucit.....hahahaha.....kucit-kucit-kucit-kucit-kucit.....

Grandson: Argh! No!!!....hahaha....NO!!...ahahaaahaha....tuk...hahahaa....Please stop....hahahah....ahahahahhaaaa....

*Dung! Door was slam open. Both was stunned and stop playing immediately*

Father: Who ask u to simply go swap your job?! Why didnt you consult me first? Are you out of your mind?!!

Grandpa: Who do you think you are to talk to me like this in front of my grandson!? Sit down and we will talk nicely.

Father: Why the hell would you rather play with tanks and C4 than counting cold hard cash? I was just looking at a yatch bigger than Abramovich! Now i can only think about a 70m boat! Thats a fucking sampan!!

Grandpa: What fucking cash u talking about? U really think there is still money left in the coffer? U think i'm fucking stupid huh?!! Let me tell you a secret stupid, there is no fucking money left. Any money that can be transferred, its already in my Liechtenstein bank account.

Father: Ok, so have your money all transferred out. Why is there need for the swap? Who knows there might be more money coming in? Then we will not be able to get those money.

Grandpa: My oh my! i thought you are smarter than this. Look, how long do you think i can remain in my position? You really think i can stay long enough to welcome the new year? For god sake that gay bastard is knocking on my office door! Real son of a bitch!! And when i get kicked out, what do u think the account book will looks like? I dun plan to die in the bloody jail. I will reserved that to somebody else.

Father: Alright, its my fault. Looks like I have underestimated you. I'm sorry. By the way, any chance of you sponsoring the super yatch I wanted to buy? We can go for a family trip in it you know.

Grandpa: It will be under my name.

Father: Whatever you say. And, whats that smell? Smells like shit to me.

Grandpa: Jib, did you poo poo on your pampers?

Grandson: No atuk. See? Its clean. *take down pants and show backside*

Grandpa: Oppss...i think i need to make a trip to the toilet

Father: *whisper* I think grandpa just poo poo in his pampers. Come, papa bring u go eat ice-cream.

Grandson: *whisper* Great, i want chocolate ice-cream!

ARRRGH!!! Man U won.....damn it!

All the EPL fans should have know by now that Man United had won the Champions League by now. Well, i am not a fan of either club but i don't feel that Man U deserved to get both trophies (yes, i hate Man U!). I can't say that I am a hard-core supporter of any club, but i do love to watch good football.

But the final match was not something that i would really enjoy watching. Its a very English game, fast pace, lots of hard running, long balls to the front or danger area, defenders head it clear, repeat many times, wait for a moment of defending lapse, maybe a goal or two or not at all then its over.

With the players that they have, why can't they use a different approach to play the 'beautiful game'? Like the very entertaining Real Madrid used to do it from 2001-2004, the super fast and efficient counter-attacking game of Valencia, or even the 'total football' of Arsenal of today. Can't wait to see how Arsenal will perform next season.

One more thing. From the players on the pitch in Moscow, England could have formed their first eleven with the exception of the keeper. But all of them will be enjoying a long summer break. How irony is that?

Difference between a modest and greedy leader

Recently it was mentioned in the news that the newly elected MB of Penang, Lim Guan Eng had refused to move in to the official house because he does not want to spend RM100 000 of the rakyat's money.

This is what we would like to see in our leader. Not spending the public funds unnecessarily. Unlike some leaders who like to spend extravagant amount of the rakyat's money to fulfill their personal dream. Lets take a look at a few of the leaders in our country.









Abdullah Badawi, the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Bought a new jet not long ago.
Cost: RM200,000,000











Khir Toyo, former Menteri Besar of Selangor. Built an Exco Village at Shah Alam, consist of 10 bungalows and a clubhouse.
Cost: RM40,000,000











Zakaria Deroz (deceased), former assemblymen of Port Klang. Built his mansion at Port Klang without prior approval.
Cost: RM3,000,000











Nik Aziz, Menteri Besar of Kelantan. Refused to stay at the official house to save cost. Insist on staying at this wooden house of his.
Cost: Priceless!!

Seperti ibu ketam mengajar anaknya berjalan lurus

Mama crab: Do NOT provoke racial tension.

On Thursday it was reported on TheStar that that the PM has warned the newly appointed Penang's MB, Lim Guan Eng, not to make any statement that can stoke racial tensions. Below are the excerpts from the report;

“The (Penang) state government must not try to create an atmosphere which can cause racial tensions,” warned Abdullah, who is also head of Penang Umno.


And this is what happened in Penang the following day;

A demonstration around the Komtar building organized by, yes u got it right, the Penang UMNO itself!

Baby crab: Hmmpp....Mama, is this the right way to promote racial harmony? Are we going to see this often in the future? Is this going to happen only in Penang but Kedah, Perak and Selangor as well?

Mama crab: Korek, Korek, Korek!
Son, you are a fast learner.

The beginning of a new storm

Welcome to the Buletin Utama weather report. I am now reporting live from the National Meteorological Department. New storms has started brewing in a few states. The meteorological department said that it was a spin off from Hurricane GE that strikes the whole nation on Sat and Sunday. These new storms though not as severe as the Hurricane GE had caused some uneasiness among the residents in the states of Kedah, Selangor and Perak.

Kedah suffer the least as the storm did not create much of a damage to the state. In Selangor, districts of Sungai Pinang, Kinrara and Pandamaran was in disarray and some residents was seen demonstrating on the streets of Sungai Pinang.

Meanwhile at the state of Perak, its residents was the hardest hit. The storm was so bad the residents though they were in a war. Some even believed that they were hit by some red flying Rockets. Reports says that storm in that state might not end for some time.

Also in the same report, the meteorological department has also warn the residents of Terengganu that there are signs that a storm might be brewing in the state. Residents are told to be well prepare, especially those under the UmNo umbrellas.

Thank you for watching Buletin Utama weather report for today. This is Wonderful Singh reporting for Buletin Utama, TVCowsense.

"King Zakaria" dies in his 'Istana Zakaria"

Remember that Zakaria fella? The state assemblymen from Klang who created a thunderstorm by building a mansion on 43,000 square foot of state-owned land? Finally this former railway worker has done a good deed in his lifetime. He has relief his family of the expected troubles that they will surely be facing after the state of Selangor has fallen to the hand of opposition.

He has passed away this morning at his "Istana". According to reports, he has suffered a heart attack. Maybe now that he is no longer in this world, the new government might be more lenient in handling his case. I was sure many would love to see his Istana brought to ground, but after reading this news i am not sure anymore.

Pak Lah has created history!

Pak Lah aka the Sleeping Beauty of Malaysia should be very happy. He has etched his name of the history book of Malaysia. In fact he has done it twice! Below are his 'amazing' achievements;

1st - He was the most popular Prime Minister ever in the history Malaysia. In 2004, he was given the biggest mandate ever by the rakyat in the 11th General Election. He led his party, the Barisan Nasional, to capture 91% of parliamentary seats.

2nd - He was the least wanted Prime Minister ever! After only one term in office (mind you its not even a full term. It was less than 4 years out of the full term which should last a full 5 years), he called for the 12th General Election and this time he was given the lowest mandate ever. His party only manage to win a mere 63%. A drop of 1/3 after only one term in office.

Opposition wins! Barisan lost 2/3 majority and 5 states!!!

So the final results of the 12th General Election of Malaysia is out. The biggest winner is the opposition coalition. Though it is only a loose coalition of parties consisting of DAP-PKR-PAS, they have managed to denied the leading party of BN its 2/3 majority in the Dewan Rakyat. At the same time they have snatched 4more states. Penang, Kedah, Perak and Selangor are now in the opposition hand while PAS has managed to retain Kelantan.

The general public has voiced out their mind, especially the urbanites, and not forgetting almost 100% of the NETizens who have access to the reality of how much damaged the previous government has done to our beloved country. We will no longer tolerate corruptions, injustice, discriminations, lies and those those those those beruk MPs with monkey's brain to represent us in the August hall or shape the future of our country.

So is this going to be the beginning of a better future for Malaysia? Its the first time in the history of Malaysia that the opposition are put in such heavy responsibilities. I hope they will be able to fulfill the promises that they have made during the election campaign, do their job with the interest of the nations and the people at heart, and not ended being just like their predecessor from the BN party.

Only then we can all have hope for a better future not just for us, but for the nation and our children and grandchildrens. Let us pray that this will really be the beginning of a better future for Malaysia!

How to buy a government

Have you ever thought of buying a government? Is it even possible?

Apparently it is. I was having a small talk with a Ukrainian friend the other day when our topic shifted to politics. I was telling him the amusing stories of our country politics, how the Malaysian are getting frustrated at our inefficient and corrupt politician. That was when he told me about his country even more amazing story.

During the 2004 election the ruling party lost the election to the opposition. However the leader of the previously ruling party did not want to let go. So what they did was they offer 300 million dollar to the party who won the election. Both then party would then combined into one, and the previous leader would take over the leadership of the new party and thus lead the government!

Amazing isn't it? I could not believe what he was telling, this cannot be true. But he said that thats what happened. It even leads to a revolution in the country called the orange revolution. I checked in Wikipedia but it was a different story from what he told me. So till today i still have doubt over his version of the story.

He also told me that corruptions is very common back in Ukraine. This i think i would believe him. Why? Its because when i was driving him around on the potholes laden roads, he mentioned to me that Malaysia has excellent roads. And that, says a lot.

*I hope BN is not reading this. Else if they lost in the coming election, DAP or PAS or PKR might be a new member of the BN family. Maybe i should copyright this idea, make it my own intellectual property, hahaha.....

Entertainment - "Ying Chow"

Recently one of my buddy was brought to one of the thousands of "entertainment" outlets in the country. He was the first among my buddies of friends (I was from a boy school, so all my buddies are guys). I share with you his experience. My buddy, lets call him B, his job commitment brought him to the most religious state in Malaysia to a town close to the border of our neighbouring country.

B was there for only 2 days. He went with two others from KL. And one of the day, after a day of work the manager of the branch in the town brought the three of them together with a local staff for dinner. They had Thai food and according to him the food was excellent. And so after dinner, the manager, to be known as M from now, suggested they would go for drinks. They hesitated for a first, but M told them they will only go to one of the pub nearby.

So they agreed to go but not before the local staff excused himself and mention to them that the Golok town "mayor" will bring them around. He was referring to M. M was known as Golok town mayor but B and others have no idea why was that. At 8.30pm they left the restaurant and went to the pub. When they reached the place, they saw that it was a nice place with a few huts where u can sit and have drinks. It can fit around 10 peoples. They thought it was just a place to chill out.

A Thai girl greeted them politely when they walked in - just plain Sawadika with a friendly smile. A minute after that they realised that they were dead wrong. A girl suddenly hugged B tightly from the back, wrapping herself tightly around him. It was clearly not a friendly type of hug. B looked at M, hoping that he would do something about it but M just smiled cheekily at him as he wrap his hand around the waist of another girl.

They all walked into one of the huts accompanied by 3 girls. A bucket of beers was brought to them, 3 big bottles in the bucket. The girls pour the guys the beers and literally forced-drink them. The cups will be filled up to the brim, cups after cups. B being his first time in this situation, felt awkward. M and the girls was laughing at the antic of B while speaking to each other in Thai language. Though B doesn't understand a work in Thai, he knew they was teasing him.

There was nothing B can do but to drink. He drank about 3 cups in no time. He has a girl close to him. This particular girl knows a bit of english so at least they could communicate. She stayed closed to him, even sitting on his lap. After about 15 minutes, she asked him if he would like to go to the toilet.

.....to be continue......

NGV scandals

The government has been asking the people to use Natural Gas Vehicle (NGV). The government has been telling us that they want to promote the use of NGV and are building the necessary infrastructure to support the use of NGV, such as building more refueling stations for these NGV.

For those who do not already know, NGV are cars that uses Compressed Natural Gas (CNG) instead of the normal petrol or diesel as fuel. Currently, the NGV in Malaysia are mostly those taxis in Klang Valley and the only refuelling stations are a few selected Petronas station. The number of refueling stations of NGV are really very limited. If you have been wondering why there are such a long queue of taxis at a petrol station, its because those taxi are waiting for their turn to refuel their tank with CNG. These long queues are very common, happens every single day of the year, minus maybe those long Raya or CNY break.

But from what is reported in the paper, I can tell you that its a big lie! NGV is not much of an option at all in Malaysia. I realised that when i did some thinking about it. The government has been cheating when they asked us to use NGV vehicle. Prices of NGV is damn low in Malaysia because it is HUGELY subsidised by Petronas.

Read carefully. There is a reason why i use the word HUGE. Look at this piece of news from TheStar. It mentioned there that the production of CNG is not sufficient to meet the demand of the country. They have to import from Indonesia to meet the demand.

Now look at the price stated there. Petronas sell the CNG at RM6.40 while the market price is RM40 when the a barrel of oil at that time was only USD80. If the Government were to go all out and promote the usage of NGV, imagine how much Petronas would have to subsidies. The market price is 8x the price that they are selling to the industry. Do you think the government can afford to give so much in subsidy?

They are lying. They just telling us to convert to NGV while at the same time, not building the infrastructure to support. Its an excuse that they are using for the imminent increase of petrol prices after the election. After they increase the price they would tell you that you have a choice. Why don't you people convert to NGV? When the fact is that its so inconvenient to use NGV.

What i'm trying to say here is that NGV is not the answer to the solution of alternative fuel. It may look cheap and easy, but the reality is that it is NOT as simple as that. Well, i might have been wrong. The is not much detail on the actual price of NGV on the market. All this is based on the news report. If anyone has a better idea of the price, please correct me if i'm wrong.

Ponders

Friends can go through hardship together,
but cannot stay through the good times together.

I'm back!

I dun believe in a new year resolution. But then i have vowed, to keep this blog active this year. Shall see what happens...